I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
