youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
