Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
