its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize