you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
