I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Come share oat with me in your robe
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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