Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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