too bad you live with your parents still
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
