There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
