mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
