i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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