I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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