my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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