Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
