Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
