I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
