I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
