just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
