Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
