The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
