We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
