Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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