I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
