you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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