I accidentally had phone sex last night
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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