Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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