Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
