He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
