This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
