You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
