i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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