I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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