The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
