I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i love accidental penises.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
