some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
