I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
