Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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