Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
