im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
