i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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