Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
