No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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