There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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