Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
