i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
