Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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