yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
