you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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