i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
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having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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