my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
