I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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