i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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