I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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