I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
