she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
