If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
