i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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