ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
