This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
