Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
