I am spending my child support on dildos
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
